well... here I go... it's long and a little crappy!

well... here I am finally after YEARS of reading group think and voicing all the internal thoughts and opinions... i'm finally here... as a poster.

So... i have an issue. It's huge. Well, I guess to me it is as isn't it all relative? I got married late, at 38... I had thought I never wanted to be married and as it turns out... I don't. I think it's mainly because I married the wrong person for me. So now... we are on the very begging steps of separation and divorce and it sucks mighty chunks.

I married a difficult man. A man with bi polar. A man not very capable of love or compassion or sharing and who, for all intents and purposes, hates me or acts that way. this marriage has been hard. So many times I wanted to bite the bullet and post here and ask opinions. I talk to my friends and family in a limited way as i don't want to overwhelm them or make them upset for me . I moved countries to be here. I live far from what I know and love so...

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But yeah, it's been 4 years of emotional abuse. It's been 4 years of walking on eggshells and 4 years of being left alone to feel unloved and imperfect. It's been a terrible 4 years. We've been married for 6 but I've been down here with him for 4.

I am just feeling alone and angry. I hate that we live together still and it's hard and terrible and to him... it's just a financial transaction that went badly. I hate that for all the shit he put me through, he decided that I was the deal breaker as he couldnt stand me "hounding him" when I needed to talk to him about why he was always angry and throwing things. Why I couldn't stand being pushed aside and never kissed or held or loved or talked to. He told me to NEVER talk about anything that happened outside the house... at work or with friends or family... he did not want to know and did not want the drama. It left me all alone.

i got tired at the end, I started to just crumble and finally would not let him get away with pushing me around. I wouldn't accept him being angry at me ALL the time when I work at a GREAT job, cook the meals, do the cleaning nd love and care for his daughter with an ex wife. I even bought a house I really didn't want as he badgered me so hard. I had hope we would make it. I had hope that my lightness and drive and good personality and love would make him see clear but all I got was this man who hates me and makes sure I know it. and now... I get to go through the hassle of selling this stupid house and going through a divorce and losing the step daughter whom I have forged a real relationship with.

it's so hard. I feel so alone and I feel so much anger and resentment. But... so I don't play into his notion that women are crazy and bitches, I keep it all to myself. I navigate myself with grace and as much goodness as i can. But it's hard. I just came back from visiting my home town where my friends and family adore me. Everyone seems to adore me, flaws and all, and I've come 'home' to this and i'm sad and angry and yet... I have to carry on.

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Im in the process of going to a therapist, as I did in order to learn to deal with his bipolar, I've get to see a lawyer as i can't seem to think that spending all that money to get nothing seems worth it... I'll be getting boxes and I'll start the process of packing up my l ife... yet again, but all I feel is angry at this man who says it's all my fault nad I'm the deal breaker an yet... I worked so hard to get here and to be here and all i did was succeed but just not at this. At marriage to him.

If you read this... thank you. If you understand even just a little bit of it, thank you. I just wanted to become part of this team here. I've read group t hink for so long and though I have friends and family... sometimes being anonymous in a group you respect is a good think.

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So... thank you.

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